Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
