I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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