a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
