I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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