thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
