I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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