Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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