Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
