Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
