Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize