new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
