We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
