So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
