Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize