Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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