for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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