so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
