I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
