Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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