I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize