I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
