i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
