I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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