I'm going to jail i love you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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