Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
