I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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