he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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