I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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