Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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