I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
