She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
