I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
