Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
