I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
