The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize