Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Randomize
