i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
