she woke up with a sticky ear
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
