i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
