get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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