Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
