my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
my liver is dry heaving
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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