She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
