genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
