Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Randomize
