When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize