apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
