Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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