the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
