you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize