not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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