Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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