smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
