the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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