I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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