Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
