8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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