Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
